Adam and I got married in a Catholic Church and as part of the preparation for marriage is they suggest a marriage course. It was actually really good. We had a few couples that had been married for 50+ years speak to us. They shared their collective wisdom on what they believed has kept their marriage alive and what to expect, and it definitely wasn’t a bed of roses. They sincerely and affectionately shared how over the years there have been many times they have hated their partner, periods where they actually were more annoyed and frustrated with them than happy. There were times they had extreme happiness and the highest of highs. And there were times where they felt like the spark had gone but loved their partner but were often confused because they lost that romantic spark for a while. This was the same message that was the common theme amongst all couples and I truly thanked them for their honesty. They spoke of how it is important to make time for each other, without the kids, making time for ourselves individually too. They suggested to always work on yourself individually and collectively, to keep going because if you are alone, you will go through the ebbs and flows of life anyway, it won’t always be thrilling and exciting.
This always spoke so true to Adam and I, and it was probably the best marriage advice we had received especially during our honeymoon wedding stage. I am not expert, I don’t think anyone is, every marriage is unique to those two that are involved, but I just wanted to share 5 steps on how on how we maintain that spark.
It was Adam’s 34th birthday and I wanted to use this opportunity for us to be together, to celebrate him. During the process of planning, I actually fell more deeply in love with him and had so much more gratitude for him. As I was planning I had to think about what he would love and enjoy, and made me reflect on him. I decided to spoil him with the romance package at the Four Seasons Hotel Sydney. We had a beautiful harbour room and breakfast delivered to us in the morning.
5 steps on how to maintain that spark with your partner
1. Do things together, without the kids, regularly.
I spent about 2 months planning his birthday getaway. I sent him a letter (old fashioned letter in sail mail) to his work, telling him I would be taking him away for his birthday, he needed to be ready by 2 pm and his bags would be packed for him. Whilst he didn’t know what we were doing, it added excitement for the 2 months leading up to it. We go away with the kids all the time, and they love having sleepovers with my uncle and their grandmother, so they were just as excited for this time with them. I made sure I had enough time to book people in to take care of the kids and organise our time away. The beauty of the Four Seasons Hotel Sydney is the location is right in the rocks so there is so much to do but they also have a great bar, restaurant and spa (Endota Spa) which is beautiful, so you don’t even have to leave and can plan your getaway in the one spot.
2. Do little special things often using their language of love.
Adam’s language of love is acts of service. So the more detail I put into the planning he truly felt more love. I made sure I had breakfast delivered to us (I ordered his favourite which was delicious) and had his favourite wine when we arrived. The Four Seasons Hotel Sydney is a quality and luxury hotel which my hubby does love. He loves beautiful sheets on the beds and harbour views, so these little touches he takes notice of. For his birthday, in the morning, I took breakfast to work for him with the kids. But just regular days, I will send him a random video message telling him I love him and will send him a text as soon as I wake with my intention of love for him for the day. He does the same for me. It takes 5 minutes but can completely change your mood and day.
3. Try different things together.
I absolutely love Endota Spa. It is natural and is all about wellness, resting and restoring the body. Which is exactly what we both needed individually as well as experiencing it together. A couple’s massage is a great way to rest and relax together. I personally love massage and have it often but Adam finds it difficult to wind down. I really wanted him to connect with the Earth and deeply restore as I know how beneficial it can be. He loved it. It was a beautiful experience for us both, that relaxed our muscles, and re-centred and aligned us. Sometimes you don’t always need to talk, but being silent together like this can create huge vibrational waves that are healing.
4. Work on you, individually.
We shouldn’t ever expect our partners to “fix” us, save us, make us whole, or even heal us. That is our job. If you don’t know yourself, or love yourself, then that is a huge expectation for another to do this and make you feel whole in the process. Exercising your mind is an ongoing ritual that everyone needs to work at, just like eating healthy and looking after our bodies. You wouldn’t expect your partner to lift weights for you so don’t expect them to fix all your problems or heal wounds that run deep. Take time out on your own, individually and have seperate passions (you can have hobbies together too) but honour yourself enough to replenish your soul. And the best way to heal another is to heal yourself. So don’t try to change someone, just work on you and that will do greater good.
5. Let go of the small stuff and look inward rather than placing blame.
When we are busy with work, the kids, life and everyday stresses we often take it out on the ones closest to us. Or little annoyance can frustrate or irritate us and because they are our partner we feel a bit more relaxed to tell them how annoying it is. But rather than placing blame on your partner, first, ask yourself, why does it actually annoy you? It actually doesn’t have anything to do with your partner, but really has to do with what is happening with you internally. For example, I used to hate it when Adam would leave the toilet seat up and I would lose it. One night I got so upset, he actually said, he didn’t deserve that. And he was really right. At that moment I asked myself, why does it bother me so much. I would argue as the best criminal defence lawyer that it shows to me that you don’t appreciate me and I don’t feel special enough that you would care to do something I’ve asked you to do. Ok. So that actually has nothing to do with Adam at all, and everything to do with me. Adam can’t do that to me, no one can make you feel a sort of way. Take ownership of how you feel, and if you can’t, look on your partner with compassionate eyes, and remember what is happening externally is always an indication of what is happening internally, they are non verbally communicating to you their unresolved trauma so be gentle and compassionate before flying off the handle over little things.
We love the Four Seasons Hotel Sydney and Endota Spa as a family and as a couple. It is luxury, a piece of heaven that provides the perfect getaway. We have stayed with the children at the Four Seasons Hotel, Sydney which you can read my review here.
To find out more about the Four Seasons Hotel Sydney check out their website here.
For Endota Spa at the Four Seasons Hotel Sydney check out their treatment menu here.
*Please note this is a sponsored blog with the Four Seasons Sydney and Endota Spa.