How I feel closer to my mother now, 5 years since she passed away. | Story and Co

August 10, 2020

How I feel closer to my mother now, 5 years since she passed away.

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My children, show me, every day, how they are connected with her because they just be and aren’t in their thoughts.

It has been five years since my beautiful mother Suzanne, grew her wings and flew up to Heaven. Tears well in the creases of my eyes as I write, my heart feels heavy and my breathing quickens. I always have said my heart truly misses her. But as I type this, I feel more connected to her than ever and I feel I will be closer to her each day as time goes on. 

A day doesn’t go past that I don’t think of her in some way. A thought or memory popping through my mind when her song comes on or a lyric reminds me of her, or when pure joy happens with the kids and I go to call her and tell her. But what my heart truly wants to convey is, whilst it feels so long ago since I’ve seen her, touched her, heard her laugh which makes my heart heavy as I think of all the moments she has missed, most importantly my 3 children being born and my big brother getting married, BUT it also feels like yesterday that I last saw her and this is what gives me so much comfort. 

I remember googling like crazy when she first died. How long does it take to get over losing a parent? Do you ever feel joy or happiness again when your mum dies? Does the pain ever go away? I felt as I was searching for these answers as I was holding my breath with each click of the ‘search’ button, nothing was coming up. Not that there weren’t stories out there, there were 100s of people who lost their mothers, but I was just running, I was trying to find something to ease my pain, something to escape it, until I surrendered and felt what I needed to feel, every single day until the moments started to spread out a bit long, the breath eased and the heart gradually became a little lighter. 

Losing mum has taught me many things. I recently have gone through an awakening. With this spiritual waking up, I feel so much more connected to her than I ever have. I have slowly been waking since she passed away. 5 years ago, I thought I would have to wait till I was an old lady until I could meet her again, in Heaven. That saddened me because I desperately wanted my life on Earth with my husband and children, but I desperately wanted her too. So the thought of waiting another 30, 40, 50 years crushed me. But that is not true. I never thought I would be reflecting on her death, 5 years after and saying I feel closer to her now more than ever. You see, when she passed away, I had to learn to finally deal with my emotions, my fears and feel pain and not run from them. Whilst the process over the 5 years has been really gradual and mostly unconsciously, until recently, it has been conscious, which I am now more aware than ever, that they were all stepping stones to my awakening. 

I understand now that we are spiritual beings living a human experience. We are living a local experience with the presence of our higher self. Mum’s soul never died, it doesn’t, just her physical experience in a human body has, but as I reconnect with my true divine self, I have recognised, she is right here next to me, every single morning, when I wake up, I open my windows, ground my feet in the Earth, watch the sun creep up over the trees dancing and feel the cool breeze kiss my cheeks, I know she is right there next to me, in that stillness, our spirits are waking together, and this is our moment, to ‘catch up’ for the day ahead. She leads me to my higher self and has helped me more now than she ever could Earthside. And that is saying a lot because, in my eyes, she was a bloody amazing mother. She still is. She is guiding me back to who I truly am. With this, awaking, my Earth experience, my human experience that I am observing with her, is much more calming, loving, peaceful, gentle and compassionate. 

So how did I get here?

Before I share my 3 tips of reflection on grief and loss, I want anyone who is reading this to know, you have these tips inside of you already. You know deep down, what you need to do, you have all the inner resources to truly meet each challenge, in our human experience, but I am just offering a gentle invitation to help you connect further with yourself, and observe so you can reconnect fully with a love that has been lost only on the Earth level, because like inside of you, that love with another can never ever go, so lets gently wake it up again.

1. Feel it.

Do not put a time limit on this. Feel every bit of uncomfortable pain that you need to when you have lost. Do not run from it. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by distracting yourself with shopping, eating, substances, travelling, friends, sit with yourself, and feel it. Honour those feelings like you honour your loved one but most importantly do it because you love yourself. Feel no shame, guilt, or ask yourself when will this stop. Feel it, let the tornado come, but know you are rock solid and will weather this storm. This isn’t just in the beginning, this is for the rest of your life. 5 years on, I still get the storms of grief, I stop and I feel it, I let it out, anger, tears, curl up in a ball and cry, this is what honouring these emotions is about.

2. Observe.

After the storm has passed, I say let’s look for the rainbow of this lesson. Sit in stillness and see what arises. In your body, where do you feel it? Where is there tension? Where is there pain? Close your eyes and try to remember the first time you ever felt this pain. Go back and meet your inner child and see what they are saying. Give them a big hug. You can do this with meditation, on a walk-in nature, sitting quietly in a room, holding a crystal, holding rosary beads, whatever feels good for you. Be still. And just see what arises. This is your first step to feeling and observing. Notice this is you observing your human experience. Write it out or draw it or dance it, just ground the experience in some way. Try this for 2 weeks when you are calm and not in the grief storm. Now I want you to close your eyes and imagine a red triangle, now, an oak tree, now a bird by a river. Can you see how these images came into your mind and they then float out, this is the human experience. We have control over how we choose to see the world and what we hold onto and what we attach to things. Then try doing it for a moment every single day until you are noticing you are observing all your reactions, words, actions, thoughts, and recognising this isn’t you, this is your human experience that is conditioned. When we recognise that external (whether it is physical or emotional) and we don’t attach meaning to it, we truly can start to reconnect with our true selves and with anyone who has passed, because this is connecting on a soul level, which is where they now are at. Find comfort that you will meet again. Whatever arises during these times, see it as the rainbows and lessons you needed to learn to get closer to your true self.

3. Promises.

Start each day with one simple promise to yourself. This can feel overwhelming, so please do what feels right for you. Start slowly. It took me 5 years to get to this place. I needed to learn how to self regulate my emotions, I needed to heal my inner child, my ego and learn boundaries. This has been a cycle and a process. Mostly unconsciously. But the moment I told myself and promised myself I would do it consciously the awakening really sped up. When you go further into this, you will see so much information will be coming at you, showing you, you are in the right place, you are learning, lean into it. If you don’t know what to do, or it all feels like too much, stop and pause and follow the two steps above. My promises started with healing with food, then it moved to heal my inner child, meditation, astrology, silence, crystals, and yoga. I didn’t put a time limit on these or even do a plan or schedule (which is a big thing for a practical Virgo like me), I just started to listen as I became quieter and trusted the process as I was starting to wake up. But I truly started loving myself enough and making these daily promises to myself, that I reconnected with who I am and my mum. Now we meet each morning, as I sit in stillness feeling the cool breeze on my cheeks as the sun rises. 

This process has all been self-taught and self-healed. I googled, I taught myself and then I trusted myself enough and truly believed that I had all the inner resources to heal and meet my mother again. My life has drastically changed, it hasn’t been a bed of roses, it has been uncomfortable and I recognise this is a daily process for the rest of my life as I wake up more, but the exciting part is, my human experience is so much more enjoyable, as I connect fully with my spirit. 

Sending you love and light on this journey. 

Love Jo xx

love + grace

Jo xx

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